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The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

   (George Bernard Shaw)

When will you quit? When you've had enough, or when you still have enough?

All people are assimilated, but some are more assimilated than others.

Intellectual property is theft.

Instead of getting married (...) I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

   (Lewis Grizzard)

When you can't change your direction, increase your speed.

Immortality is the death of evolution.

Winners do things losers don't want to do.

You can change the world. You can change yourself. Unfortunately, not at the same time.

As machines become more interactive and intelligent, we become more archaic and animistic.

   (Philip K. Dick)

Information has become alive, with a collective mind of its own, independent of our brains.

   (Philip K. Dick)

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

   (Philip K. Dick)

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes.

I can resist everything except temptation.

   (Oscar Wilde)

History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other.

   (Oscar Wilde)

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

   (Mark Twain)

The problem with goals is that they end up as the things you talk about, not the things you achieve.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

   (Woody Allen)

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

   (Will Rogers)

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   (Dave Barry)

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

   (Oscar Wilde)

God created man in his own image and man, being a gentleman, returned the favor.

   (Mark Twain)

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

   (Oscar Wilde)

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

   (Will Rogers)

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

   (Dave Barry)

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

   (Mark Twain)

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.

   (Mark Twain)

'Sometimes people make the same mistake again and again...'
'Are you currently experiencing this phenomenon?'


   (Star Trek)

The only honour to trust is your own.

The difference between theory and practice is the difference between learning how, and learning how not.

Man who say it cannot be done should not interrupt man doing it.

   (Old Chinese Proverb)

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

   (W.C. Fields)

Trying is the first step towards failure.

   (Homer Simpson)

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there yet to appreciate it.

   (Franklin P. Jones)

Music and movies are just more drugs.

'I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is.'
'Well that sounds like a cry for help!'


   (Futurama)

The purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.

   (Hobbes)

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

   (Terry Pratchett, Diggers)

Those who would sacrifice a little liberty for a little security deserve neither the liberty nor the security.

   (Benjamin Franklin)

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier, and simpler.

   (Friedrich Nietzsche)

All you gotta do - set it down.

   (Lucifer)

If the answer is wrong, rephrase the question.

Life is a joke - but not all jokes are funny.

Who cares, wins.

Everyone's ass is up for grabs with every single post. Nothing is sacred, everything is evaluated. How else could it work? What, if not the quality of your posts, could elevate *you* above the unwashed masses?

   (Alexander Vrchoticky)

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

   (Homer Simpson)

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

   (Oscar Wilde)

The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.

   (Benjamin Disraeli)

I know of no better life purpose than to perish in attempting the great and the impossible.

   (Friedrich Nietzsche)

History teaches us that we don't learn from history.

Bad Things Will Happen.

Man's ability to fail is surpassable only by his skill in denial.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?

   (Gandhi)

Facts are the enemy of Truth.

   (Don Quixote)

Communiceren is zo dicht mogelijk langs elkaar heen lullen.

Please stop thinking rationally. You are scaring the locals.

The enemy wasn't men, or women, or the old, or even the dead. It was just bleedin' stupid people, who came in all varieties.

   (Terry Pratchett)

Wat we 'falen' noemen, is niet het vallen, maar het blijven liggen.

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck, is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

Are you really questioning reality?

If people had understood how patents would be granted when most of today's ideas were invented and had taken out patents, the industry would be at a complete standstill today... A future start-up with no patents of its own will be forced to pay whatever price the giants choose to impose.

   (Bill Gates)

Thanks to the internet, I'm now bored with sex.

   (Fry)

May you live in interesting times.

   (Chinese curse)

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

   (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.

   (Albert Einstein)

The war on drugs is a war against poor people on street drugs, waged by rich people on prescription drugs.

   (Roseanne Barr)

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I want to live forever - so far, so good.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   (A. Whitney Brown)

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence.

   (Napoleon Bonaparte)

It requires more courage to suffer than to die.

   (Napoleon Bonaparte)

Een realist is een pragmaticus die alleen maar achterom kijkt.

You don't want bystanders if there's a learning experience.

   (Freefall)

Ik ken de stille grijze regen
die in stilte in me lacht;
ik ken de wegen van de vrede
en de regen in mijn hart.


   (Homme)

To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous.

   (Confucius)

Een mens lijdt het meest door het lijden dat hij vreest, en dat nooit op komt dagen.

If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist.

   (Jocasta Nu)

Words represent truth much like lawyers represent justice.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it take on social responsibility through forced doctrine.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Time is the fire in which we burn.

Some people have one foot in the past, one foot in the future, and end up pissing all over the present.

   (Stephen King)

I hate cables. They hate me too, because they know that one day I will simply be able to go into the cupboard with a flamethrower and get rid of the lot of them.

   (Douglas Adams)

[The world wide web] is a brochure. A huge, all-singing, all-dancing, hopping, beeping, flash-ridden brochure.

   (Douglas Adams)

It is generally considered socially incorrect to know stuff or think about things.

   (Douglas Adams)

All you need in life is ignorance and confidence.

   (Mark Twain)

When in a rush, dress slowly.

The best part of ignorance is not knowing about the questions.

All you need is a spring in your step.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

   (George Bernard Shaw)

You don't want competition if there's only one contender.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Lots of people talk to animals. Not very many listen.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.

   (Old Chinese Proverb)

Make a damn backup.

Death is the greatest kick of all - that's why they save it for last.

Everything is simple, but nothing is easy.

Blame is a commodity excellently suited for redistribution.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

   (Arthur C. Clarke)

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe
attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark
near the Tannhauser Gate

all those moments will be lost in time
like tears in the rain...


   (Roy Batty)

Never give children a chance of imagining that anything exists in isolation. Make it plain from the very beginning that all living is relationship.

   (Aldous Huxley)

I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

   (Oscar Wilde)

If you're going through hell, keep going.

   (Sir Winston Churchill)

Cat: a device to convert food into mischief.

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

   (Oscar Wilde)

You need only two things: WD40 and ducktape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

- per aspera ad astra -

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.

I once prayed to God for a bike, but apparently he doesn't work that way - so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You look like I need a drink.

Never confuse a gamble with an opportunity.

Independence is a wonderful thing, until you find it's a synonym for loneliness.

I do not read advertisements. I would spend all my time wanting things.

   (Franz Kafka)

A clear conscience usually implies bad memory.

Do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

   (Meskimen's Law)

Don't try to reason with unreasonable people.

Nothing lasts forever. This was a lesson I learned over and over again.

   (George Lass)

With art, we decorate space - except for music, with which we decorate time.

The form of government that is most suitable to the artist is no government at all.

   (Oscar Wilde)

There's always one idiot that ruins it for everyone. Check when you're scheduled to be that idiot.

   (Oglaf (NSFW))

Satius est otiosum esse quam nihil agere.

   (Plinius de Jongere)

μ

   (Socrates)

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said: no, everyone seems to enjoy it.

Humans offloaded memory to books, then thought to computers. Now, we're offloading our desires to the network.

   (SMBC)

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

   (Mark Twain)

The higher up you go, the more mistakes you are allowed. Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it's considered to be your style.

   (Fred Astaire)

Honour is the notion that someone else's opinion of you is more important than yours.

Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.

   (George Bernard Shaw)

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.

   (George S. Patton)

I had a problem, so I thought I'd use Java. Now I have a problemFactory.

   (cat -v)

Some programmers, when confronted with a problem, say: "I know! I'll use regular expressions!"
And then they have two problems.

It's much easier to be nostalgic about an era you didn't actually have to live in.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Time is waiting!

In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.

   (Kathleen Norris)

Relationship status: my wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.

   (Exploding Unicorn)

Reality has a well known liberal bias.

The best science starts out with "well, that's weird".

The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don't care if you get them or not.

There once was an X from place B,
That satisfied predicate P,
He or she did thing A,
In an adjective way,
Resulting in circumstance C.


   (Snowclones)

No fathers or mothers think their own children ugly; and this self-deceit is yet stronger with respect to the offspring of the mind.

   (Miguel de Cervantes)

She didn't want to know how a thing was done, but why. That can be embarrassing. You ask Why to a lot of things and you wind up very unhappy indeed. The poor girl's better off dead.

   (Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451)

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.

   (Niels Bohr)

You've travelled all the way to India, and you're in a barber shop and a guy says 'Do you want a head massage' - you say 'no', there's something wrong with you.

   (David Letterman)

By words, the mind is winged.

   (Aristophanes)

Before we get to work on artificial intelligence, let's do something about natural stupidity.

Dear math, please stop asking me to find your X.
She's not coming back.

The bigger the choice, the bigger the torment.

Proposed symbol for absolute assholes: |*|

   (SMBC)

I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong.

   (Bertrand Russell)

Remember, Satan was the first to demand equal rights.

In mourning, it is the world that has become poor and empty - in melancholy, it is the ego itself.

   (Sigmund Freud)

Whatever doesn't kill you gives you unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour.

Siri, what's my opinion on existentialism?

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"An honest, brave, compassionate human being."
"No, I mean: how do want to sell your labour?"

You only die once.

   (Arthur Schopenhauer)

If I had to live today like it was my last, I would probably spend it bawling my eyes out.

Money comes at a price.

Home is where all attempts to escape cease.

One day, we will die. All other days, we will not.

Nature's laws affirm instead of prohibit. If you violate her laws, you are your own prosecuting attorney, judge, jury, and hangman.

   (Luther Burbank)

Research: don't look for information that supports your opinion. Look for information that contradicts your opinion, and evaluate its validity.

Good artists copy, great artists steal.

   (Pablo Picasso)

A sheep in wolf’s clothing should not bleat within the pack.

   (Dave Duncan)

It's a poor road that doesn't run two ways.

   (Dave Duncan)

Dark humor is like food - not everyone gets it.

They say you can't argue with results, but what kind of defeatist attitude is that? If you stick with it, you can argue with ANYTHING.

   (XKCD)

The difference between an adult and a child is the adult is expected to punish himself.

Men came and went; the world endured.

   (Dave Duncan)

A wise man is just a fool who has learned from his mistakes.

   (Dave Duncan)

Honor is a fine reward, but a poor consolation.

   (Dave Duncan)

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons.
Sometimes we just snuggle.

Courage is grace under pressure.

   (Ernest Hemingway)

Friends are harder to make than enemies, but they are more useful.

   (Dave Duncan)

The fortune you seek is in another cookie.

The happiest is the person who suffers the least pain; the most miserable who enjoys the least pleasure.

   (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.

   (Jean de la Bruyere)

Right-wing rage gave us the KKK, left-wing rage gave us the weekend.

How do you make a small fortune? Easy: start with a big fortune.

Manuals are like sex. Good is very good, bad is still better than nothing.

Everything went according to plan, only the plan sucked.

Information wants to be free, yo.

Euphemism is a euphemism for lying.

   (Bobbie Gentry)

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Elvis rant: click me

Our new video ad campaign has our product's name shouted in the first 500 milliseconds, so we can reach the people in adjacent rooms while the viewer is still turning down the volume.

   (XKCD)

What are you looking for?

If anything can go wrong, it will.

   (Murphy's Law)

Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel.

   (H.L Mencken)

We would often be ashamed of our finest actions if the world understood all the motives which produced them.

   (Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld)

Have you considered inventing a metric for success that favors you personally?

   (SMBC)

If a society rates incompetent philosophers higher than good plumbers, neither their theories nor their pipes will hold water.

   (~John W. Gardner)

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

   (George Carlin)

If life gives you Tourette's, master ventriloquism.

All good advice is obvious. Work hard, make things, find love, brush your teeth, et cetera. The hard thing is taking the obvious advice.

   (SMBC)

Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

   (Monty Python's The Meaning of Life)

The woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except the best.

   (Henry van Dyke)

Patience is also a form of action.

   (Auguste Rodin)

Oh, would that my mind could let fall its dead ideas, as the tree does its withered leaves!

   (Andre Gide)

What if science is just humans adding comments to sloppy code?

   (SMBC)

Normal is the average of deviance.

   (Rita Mae Brown)

It's not so bad that people cause problems. It's hugely more damaging when they try to solve them.

Fear those prepared to die for the truth, for as a rule they make many others die with them, often before them, at times instead of them.

   (Umberto Eco)

We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings. Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings.

   (Ursula K. Le Guin)

The creative adult is the child who has survived.

   (Ursula K. Le Guin)

To create crime, create laws.

   (Ursula K. Le Guin)

Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed; everything else is public relations.

   (George Orwell)

Like all weak men, he laid an exaggerated stress on not changing one's mind.

   (William Somerset Maugham)

Time flies, whether you're having fun or not.

   (First law of Klaas)

I want my last words to be something profound. I tell that to people so often, my last words will probably be "something profound".

To blame the poor for subsisting on welfare has no justice unless we are also willing to judge every rich member of society by how productive he or she is.

   (Norman Mailer)

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

   (Douglas Adams)

True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess.

   (Louis Nizer)

Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.

   (George Jean Nathan)

(12+144+20+3*sqrt(4))/7+(5*11)=9*9+0

A pet rock is a fun pet, until you realize that it's essentially immortal and you've doomed it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die.

   (Alex Rogaski)

I bet we're just a few child-sized hamster wheels away from solving the world's energy crisis.

   (Bug Martini)

Statistics are used by two sorts of people: people who want to lie, and people who want to report on them.

The most important rule in dealing with humans is that humans are more important than rules.

I've never understood all this fuss people make about the dawn. I've seen a few and they're never as good as the photographs, which have the additional advantage of being things you can look at when you're in the right frame of mind, which is usually around lunchtime.

   (Douglas Adams)

It's called Google, darling. Look it up.

Look both ways before you cross my mind.

People who believe they are ignorant of nothing have neither looked for, nor stumbled upon, the boundary between what is known and unknown in the universe.

   (Neill deGrasse Tyson)

Change is bad because everything is currently perfect.

   (Oglaf (NSFW))

Inequality is easier to bear than insecurity.

Many people prefer the security of great inequality to everyone being greatly insecure.

Hate works best if it works both ways.

Are you missing the point accidentally or strategically?

   (SMBC)

No one had ever accused him of being stupid, except possibly where women were concerned.

   (Dave Duncan)

The rich need more money to be motivated, the poor must be impoverished to be motivated.

It doesn't matter if a bottle doesn't hold water - as long as the reasons behind that hold water.

Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   (Ricky Gervais)

"Not everyone is impressed by you."
"Well then not everyone is paying attention."


   (Garfield)

What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.

When love is not madness, it is not love.

"Don't dwell on past mistakes."
"Oh god... that's exactly what I did yesterday!"


   (Poorly Drawn Lines)

The power of intelligence stems from our vast diversity, not from any single, perfect principle.

   (Marvin Minsky)

Education doesn't soften the world, it hardens the student.

The purpose of alcohol is being drunk.

When small men begin to cast big shadows, it means that the sun is about to set.

   (Lin Yutang)

Acceptance is stage five. Where's the denial? Where's the anger? Where's the bargaining? And where's the fucking depression?

The n-body problem is only a problem for values of n bigger than 1.

Grammar not is concern for we.

   (Pearls Before Swine)

You won't go to Mars, but McDonald's will.

   (SMBC)

I think, therefore I scream.

War makes fascists of us all.

   (Paul Verhoeven)

The only way to win a war is to prevent it.

   (George Marshall)

If anything defines the millennials, it's unquestioning loyalty to brands, rather than ideologies.

   (some tweet)

Can you rephrase that as mystical wisdom?

   (SMBC)

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.

I [suspect] that we are throwing more and more of our resources, including the cream of our youth, into financial activities remote from the production of goods and services, into activities that generate high private rewards disproportionate to their social productivity. I suspect that the immense power of the computer is being harnessed to this 'paper economy', not to do the same transactions more economically but to balloon the quantity and variety of financial exchanges.

   (James Turbin, July 1984)

If all that remains of love is a memory, remember.

Desire always fights dirty.

Borders? I have never seen one.

   (Thor Heyerdahl)

It's only mumbo-jumbo if it doesn't work.

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

   (Edith Wharton)

1) It isn’t your body. Shut the fuck up.
2) Nobody asked you. Shut the fuck up.
3) Beauty comes in many forms. Celebrate diversity and shut the fuck up.
4) If you can’t follow Rules 1-3, you should probably shut the fuck up, just to be safe.

I assume the worst, and I am rarely disappointed.

С волками жить - по вольчи выть.

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.

Payback’s a bitch and her stripper name is Karma.

Don't waste your time looking back. You're not going that way.

The hottest place in hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.

   (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Religion is a ploy of the devil.

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts; for support rather than illumination.

   (Andrew Lang)

Good men try to better themselves. Evil men try to best others.

To thine own self be true.

   (Shakespeare)

That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet


   (Shakespeare)

You don't slow down when you get old - you get old when you slow down.

Vroeger was alles beter; ooit is alles vroeger.

The best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.

   (Teddy Roosevelt)

Diversity is being invited to the party; inclusion is being asked to dance.

   (Verna Myers)

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

   (Theodore Rubin)

Civilizations in decline are consistently characterised by a tendency towards standardization and uniformity.

   (Arnold Toynbee)

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.

   (Linus Pauling)

Words that make you proud, can only communicate your prejudice.

From success, you learn absolutely nothing.

   (Niki Lauda)

Anger is a penalty we impose on ourselves for someone else's mistakes.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, just remember that I handle me at my worst.

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.

   (William Pitt the Younger)

Feeling guilty is better than feeling nothing.

Given the sheer quantity of your failures, some of them are probably not your fault.

   (SMBC)

No campaign plan survives first contact with the enemy.

   (Carl von Clausewitz)

It's like, at the end, there's this surprise quiz: Am I proud of me? I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth what I paid?

   (Richard Bach)

The irony of the 21st century is that you get to meet people at parties who'll get very upset over the difference between deconstruction and deconstructionism, and over how you're not getting that.

Sharp girls are not a-cute.

It is logical to have emotions.

   (MM)

One must distinguish between the data to be interpreted and the interpretation of the data.

   (John Norman)

I'm not a bad dancer, I'm just overly Caucasian.

Propositions arrived at by purely logical means are completely empty as regards reality.

   (Albert Einstein)

I used to think the brain was the most important organ in my body. Then I realized what was doing the thinking.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.

Grief and pain exist only for those who are left behind.

My advice is to give up.

   (Gerard Nolst Trenité)

Never interrupt your enemy while he's making a mistake.

   (Napoleon)

When you apply statistics to individual cases, sooner or later you're going to be 100% wrong.

The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.

   (Sigmund Freud)

Voicing your hubris doesn't make failure more likely, just more memorable.

   (XKCD)

Never bet against nature. In the end, it always wins.

"So every system our society uses to determine value is corrupt?"
"That's it! Yes! Now get down here and join me in this shallow grave."


   (Penny Arcade)

Very few institutions are ever destroyed by their enemies until they have been weakened by their friends.

   (~Walter Lippmann)

For the life of me, I've never understood why people dismiss the importance of semantics in communication. After all, if semantics had no purpleness, you'd slitheringly go bold at by-sit it I'm climbing.

   (Heather Rose Jones)

Science is a good servant but a bad master.

Those who want to love, get cats.
Those who want to be loved, get dogs.
Those who want to demonstrate death to their kids, get hamsters.

No sparks is the first sign you did it right, no smoke is the second.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you think you heard is not what I meant.

If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.

   (~Desmond Tutu)

Our memories may be better off if we don't try to capture the past.

There is no humor in heaven.

   (Mark Twain)

The belief that post-modernism has universally applicable principles, is not very post-modernist.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

   (Seneca)

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of experience comes from bad judgment.

I exclusively buy from corporations whose social media accounts display a non-threatening yet ironic sense of humor.

   (SMBC)

I think I mind, but I don't mind I think.

Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.

   (Marianne Moore)

Where there is smoke, there is cake.

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

   (Benjamin Franklin)

Boys grow taller, girls grow up.

In our society, the only hobby worth having is working hard.

The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.

   (Mark Twain)

Contentment is, after all, simply refined indolence.

   (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you want less of something, make it pay for college.

   (SMBC)

This song inspires me to get extremely drunk and/or apply for U.K. citizenship.

Hell is knowing.

Science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

Structured Code Requires Unlimited Meetings.

Why think about working hard, if you can think about being successful?

You have a problem that needs solving? Put it between a man and a blowjob.

   (BD)

Wounded pride is better than lifting heavy objects.

If history doesn't judge us harshly, it is because we will be forgotten.

Don't borrow problems from tomorrow, today will demand enough interest.

It is easier to mend a broken egg than a broken heart.

We don't control fate. We just control how we feel about it.

Ingredients to happiness: pride, fear and guilt. Pick any two.

If history repeats itself first as tragedy and then as farce, I’m prepared to believe that neoliberalism repeats itself first as soccer and then as basketball.

   (Brian Phillips)

If someone tells you "you can't" they're showing their limits, not yours.

Sacrifice all to the Moloch of convenience and you might end up on the altar, too.

   (Jon Talton)

Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it does muffle the sound.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.

   (Alice Kahn)

Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute.

   (Harold Abelson)

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

   (Pablo Picasso)

Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.

   (Thomas Edison)

Technology is a word that describes something that doesn’t work yet.

   (Douglas Adams)

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.

   (Aldous Huxley)

Don't tell your conscience what your mind says. Tell your mind what your conscience says.

Clergy is no different from used car salesmen, promising an eternity of maintenance free driving.

   (~DC)

We should not fight evil in the name of good, but struggle against people who claim to know where good and evil are to be found.

   (~Tzvetan Todorov)

Part of how you can win, is to know what is worth more to you than winning.

   (Pete Buttigieg)

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

   (Groucho Marx)

How can you explain to a cynic that you agree with him?

Any girl can suck your dick. Find one that can blow your mind.

   (JJ)

Freedom's just another word for 'nothing left to lose'.

   (Janis Joplin)

Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.

If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.

   (Genghis Khan)

The sheep have gone on strike. They are demanding better slaughtering conditions.

   (Dinos Christianopoulos)

It can't be hacking if it's in a drop-down menu.

   (Penny Arcade)

Lord, what fools these mortals be

   (Shakespeare)

Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

   (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)

If a pill bottle says 'take with food', and all you have are Twinkies: wait.

   (PW)

Don't drink with people who are trying to drown their pain.

   (PW)

The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge'.

   (Isaac Asimov)

A chicken is an egg's way of making more eggs.

Meditation is not what you think.

People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.

People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.

   (Bokonon)

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

   (Lazarus Long)

I have nothing but contempt for anyone who can spell a word in only one way.

   (Thomas Jefferson)

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

   (H.L. Mencken)

There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.

   (Daniel Dennett)

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called 'The Dark Ages'.

It seems that truth is progressive approximation in which the relative fraction of our spontaneously tolerated residual error constantly diminishes.

   (Buckminster Fuller)

The problem with the global village is all the global village idiots.

   (P. Ginsparg)

A relationship is like a circle. When a circle is open, it's not a goddamn circle.

The truth of an assertion will not be determined by an assertion of truth.

As a former journalist, I think that's far too good a story to check.

   (Terry Pratchett)

Seven blunders of the world that lead to violence: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without principle.

   (Mahatma Gandhi)

As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.

   (Abraham Lincoln)

Don't ask me who's influenced me. A lion is made up of the lambs he's digested, and I've been reading all my life.

   (Giorgos Seferis)

You may not be able to change the world, but at least you can embarrass the guilty.

   (Jessica Mitford)

In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.

   (Ivan Illich)

There is no limit to what a man can do so long as he does not care who gets the credit.

   (Philip Hyde)

Grief is going to be with you every day of your life. Grief is going to be the best friend you'll ever have.

Controlling a brain is like herding kittens. And my kittens are drunk, and high. And secular.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

   (James A. Garfield)

The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.

   (Voltaire)

The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely.

   (Lorraine Hansberry)

Love with your heart. Use your head for everything else.

Patience is despair, disguised as a virtue.

If cats could talk, they'd be lying through their teeth.

The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

   (Bertrand Russell)

You can fake pretty much anything but intelligence.

Money can't buy you happiness, except in bars.

Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk.

Overkill is underrated.

The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.

The truth is - everyone is going to hurt you. You just need to find the ones worth suffering for.

   (Bob Marley)

Hiring consultants is turning liars into thieves.

   (Dilbert)

To most christians, the bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

Don't look at the traffic lights. The traffic lights never hit anyone.

If two men agree completely, one of them is superfluous.

When a distinguished, elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

   (Arthur C. Clarke)

Most of the crackpot papers which are submitted to The Physical Review are rejected, not because it is impossible to understand them, but because it is possible. Those which are impossible to understand are usually published. When the great innovation appears, it will almost certainly be in a muddled, incomplete and confusing form. To the discoverer himself it will be only half-understood; to everybody else it will be a mystery. For any speculation which does not at first glance look crazy, there is no hope.

There are all those rumours that my movies are financed with nazi gold. And what should I say? It's true. But somebody must do something with the money.

   (Uwe Boll)

Don't you know I want to go into the darkness with a head full of lies?!

   (SMBC)

However advanced technology is, it can be stopped by any sufficiently energetic rock.

   (~DC)

Passion is like wine: you drink nothing else, you will slowly wither.

   (~AA)

Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.

   (Tennessee Williams)

Success is shy - it won't come out while you're watching.

   (Tennessee Williams)

Money is only interesting if you don't have any.

Best-case scenario: being a guinea pig for your kids.
Worst-case scenario: being a guinea pig for your parents.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

   (Thomas Edison)

Have you been argued with enough, lately?

Nobody here makes it out alive.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

   (Joseph Addison)

The worse that future people are, the less we are to blame for doing nothing on their behalf!

   (SMBC)

You are the sky. Everything else is the weather.

   (Pema Chodron)

Getting revenge is a lot like wrestling a pig. You both get covered in mud and shit, and the pig likes it.

   (~qhml)

'Succeed' means 'follow'.

If you're taught leadership, you've failed already.

Change may cause change.

Sex is here to stay.

   (Groucho Marx)

Answering any metaphysical question requires religion.

   (~Robert Heinlein)

Always err on the side of reckless abandon.

The only safe way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.

Pessimism is a luxury most people can’t afford.

   (~Billy Connolly)

Silence will save me from being wrong and foolish, but it will also deprive me of the possibility of being right.

   (Igor Stravinsky)

So out of the thousands of religions that exist, the one you were exposed to as a child is the only true religion? What an amazing coincidence!

It's pretty obvious if you don't think about it very long.

   (SMBC)

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, while in practice, there is.

   (Rev. Benjamin Brewster)

I don't need any help feeling sad right now.

   (Penny Arcade)

Physics doesn't give a shit if you're afraid or not.

   (Todd172)

If you want to be fashionably late, arrive on time, just 3969 kilometers too high - and hope atmospheric resistance will take a hike.

Pray to your phone. It may not give you what you want, but it'll tell you where to get it with a discount.

The only use for an opinion is to aggravate its owner.

When you're swimming in shark infested waters and something grabs your leg, all the talk in the world isn't going to stop you from screaming.

Being sorry doesn't help the cat.

   (Jack Godbey)

Technically correct is the best kind of correct.

The best places for gaining information are also the best places to gain new scars.

Purpose in life: to die in the rain, alone, and have people go: 'such a shame' at my funeral.

If you deserve forgiveness, you don't need it.

   (~DC)

A good plan executed now is better than a great plan executed tomorrow.

Coming up next on channel 5: the story of one man's struggle with a life threatening spelling dizability.

Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.

The present determines the future, but the approximate present does not approximately determine the future.

   (Edward Lorenz)

The man who has begun to live more seriously within begins to live more simply without.

   (Ernest Hemingway)

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

   (The Princess Bride)

There's no money in poetry, but then there's no poetry in money, either.

   (Robert Graves)

A boat is a hole in the water you try and fill with money.

Amateurs study tactics, professionals study logistics.

Without a hurt the heart is hollow.

   (Tom Jones)

Davy Jones has a lot to answer for - but he doesn't answer to you.

Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

   (Airplane!)

What keeps you up at night? The mistakes you made, or the chances you never took?

If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.

   (~Anita Roddick)

The key to life is crushing expectations before they crush you.

   (Pearls Before Swine)

Being irresponsible doesn't stop me. It just makes me feel guilty.

Take your half glass and pour it out in a 50% smaller glass.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

People without a sense of humour will never forgive you for being funny.

   (Richard Osman)

It's only clever if it works.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

   (AP)

Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind.

   (Terry Pratchett)

Nothing as ugly as a woman who knows she is beautiful.

Fact: my thoughts want to torture me.

You don't tell King Kong to be the bigger person.

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

   (David Friedman)

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

   (Robin Williams)

Antidepressants are a means of modifying an individual's internal state in such a way as to enable him to tolerate social conditions that he would otherwise find intolerable.

   (Theodore Kaczynski)

The past is devoid of meaning like the present, and a refuge for cowards.

   (E.M. Forster)

Asking for help can be costly if you don't have friends.

   (Eraldo Banovac)

The choice is not between violence and nonviolence but between nonviolence and nonexistence.

   (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.

   (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Before enlightenment, draw water, chop wood; after enlightenment, draw water, chop wood.

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.

   (Voltaire)

I'm curious where you stick your head to listen to your gut?

   (Dilbert)

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

   (Orson Welles)

Icecream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal.

   (Voltaire)

Wem die Scheiße bis zum Hals steht, sollte den Kopf nicht hängen lassen.

I'm afraid you'll see me the way I see me.

   (~MCT)

No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world, die away.

   (Terry Pratchett)

If the difference between living and dying is semantics, you should probably not be making the call.

If life were easy, it wouldn't be difficult.

   (Kermit the frog)

What's the point of letting the genie out of the bottle, if you don't make a wish?

Whatever doesn't kill you isn't trying hard enough.

If you emphasize the dignity of your office, you emphasize you do not have dignity yourself.

I never learned anything while I was talking.

   (Larry King)

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man should keep his friendship in a constant repair.

   (Samuel Johnson)

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

If you're afraid of the shadows, turn off the light.

   (sarcasm 101)

My country is the world and my religion is to do good.

   (Thomas Paine)

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.

   (Stephen Chbosky)

Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it's the only one you have.

   (Émile Chartier)

The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.

   (Louis L'Amour)

You don't need to find your limits. They'll find you soon enough.

When I go the extra mile, it's usually because I missed my exit again.

Beware the stories you read or tell; subtly, at night, beneath the waters of consciousness, they are altering your world.

   (Ben Okri)

For soon the cold of night will fall
Summoned by your own hand


   (Q)

The closer you are to victory, the more vulnerable you become.

Never attempt to replicate a successful test.

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

   (Orson Welles)

Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence.

   (Thomas Szasz)

A smart man learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

If politics take the place of a solution to your problem, that's bad. If they take the place of the problem, that's way worse.

Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

   (Shakespeare)

What makes me sad above everything else, is that everything makes me sad.

Save one life, you're a hero. Save a hundred lives, you're a nurse.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdome is not putting it in a fruit salad.

We all come from darkness. It's our job to rise above it.

There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.

   (Yosemite Park Ranger on why it's hard to design a bear-proof garbage can)

May my silences become more accurate.

   (Theodore Roethke)

Marriage is marketed as the beginning of a woman’s life, but the end of a man’s.

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

   (Harriet Beecher Stowe)

If shit is gonna bite you in the ass, you should probably stick to liquid food.

So often did I try to drown my sorrows, they can now swim.

The best thing is to use it like a swimming pool - dip in occasionally, but come out quickly and lie somewhere, exhausted, with a strong drink.

   (Stephen Pile on reading "The Not Terribly Good Book of Heroic Failures")

I'm looking for the kind of problems you can solve with sex.

   (Oglaf)

I gave this girl an umbrella yesterday, which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

   (r/suicidebywords)

Remember: when you bury a body, plant endangered plants on top so it's illegal to dig.

My body is a temple: ancient and crumbling.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them.

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Smoking is a literary device in real life. It foreshadows a bad end.

It's not the years; it's the miles.

We take what we're offered, whether we need it or not. You can get into a lot of trouble that way.

   (Robert Sheckley)

The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs killed more birds than any other one stone in the history of earth.

When you focus on your past, that’s your ego. When you focus on your future, that’s your pride. When you focus on the present, that’s humility.

   (Γιάννης Αντετοκούνμπο)

Relaxation should be more effective and longer lasting.

Even a purely moral act that has no hope of any immediate and visible political effect, can gradually and indirectly, over time, gain in political significance.

   (Vaclav Havel)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

   (Henny Youngman)

I have seen the future, and it is much like the present, only longer.

   (Dan Quisenberry)

The world is full of people who preach water and drink wine.

   (Giovanni Guareschi)

Comparison is the thief of joy.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

It is not titles that make men illustrious, but men who make titles illustrious.

   (Niccolo Machiavelli)

Quantity has a quality all its own.

   (PW)

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

   ("Theodor Rosyfelt")

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.

   (Spanish proverb)

People forget years and remember moments.

   (Ann Beattie)

The beauty of a day doesn't depend on its lasting forever.

   (Marty Rubin)

Growing old sucks, but it beats the alternative.

Nothing annoys your enemies more than forgiveness.

   (~Oscar Wilde)

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

   (George Carlin)

= 559 quotes found =

chrz!

Todo: create transparant PNG :)